Ramadhan Rant #2

 Assalamualaikum

It's the 3rd day of school for Na'ilah. How is she doing? Not really well waktu hantar :( Meronta dan menangis dia taknak pergi sekolah, nak mami. Kadang runtun hati ni tengok, kesian dia umur 4 tahun dah kena bear with this test. But we decided to enroll her for school because:

1. She is already excited for school

2. I'm unable to cater to her homeschooling needs. She is such a talkative and intelligent girl. So it's such a waste to let her be at home with just watching TV & play toys. 

So because she has shown her readiness, we enrolled her. Ternyata..... we didn't expect her reaction, and so does she😅 

Hari pertama hantar sekolah, all good. Bye2 je dekat pagar tak ada menangis. But something happened on the day. Air yogurt yang dia bawa tu tumpah dan dia minta cikgu call Mami, tapi cikgu kata tak perlu. So I think this is the part that triggered to her to realise that now Mami is no longer gonna be there anytime whenever something happened. 

Dan hari-hari seterusnya, dia tak semangat dah nak pergi sekolah sebab "Nak Mami". Haiyaaa, runtun hati bila hantar dia ke sekolah asyik menangis menjerit meronta "Nak mami". At times I feel like I am torturing her for letting her go through this struggle at such young age (4 years old), but I know this is the right time and best for her insya Allah. 

Mami pun kena kuat sama hati macam Na'ilah. I literally cried dalam kereta setiap kali lepas hantar cause I can feel and understand her pain. I share the same feelings sejak dari kecil, setiap kali berada di tempat baru. It's the feeling of loneliness that she has there. 

You will get through it Na'ilah, I am very sure. Mami doakan Na'ilah sentiasa cekal hati dan kuat jati diri. It's gonna be tough at early phase. We'll give some time for each other to adapt this. Semoga Na'ilah cepat dapat sesuaikan diri, make many friends, absorb as much as you can apa yang dipelajari :) 

Ramadhan Rant #1

 Assalamualaikum wbt 

Hari pertama Ramadhan, aku cuba melaluinya kalini walaupun masih sepenuhnya menyusu badan. Alhamdulillah, dapat menjalaninya dengan baik. Gathered around few advices. Some suggested milo, horlicks, some said fibre food, tapi yang paling common punya tips is to eat protein. So yes, added that to my sahur. Ada juga tips minum air nabeez for energy especially for ibu menyusu. Insya Allah kita cuba nanti bila teringat. 

Dah 2 tahun puasa tidak sempurna yang aku lepaskan begitu sahaja. Tahun lepas, the whole month tak puasa sebab keadaan hamil yang rendah hb, sampai kena warded for cosmofer drip. Jadi, dah banyak sangat hutang puasa, hutang fidyah ni belum terlaksana. Itulah sebab kuat untuk puasa juga kalini walaupun menyusu badan dan walaupun ada keringanan bagi ibu menyusu. 

Alhamdulillah okay semua. Susu Hanzholah pun cukup insya Allah. 

So moms, add in protein to your sahur and a favorite hot drinks of your own :)

Ramadhan kalini santai. Aku taknak push diri sangat. I am sticking to Quran. Selagi aku dapat istqamah everyday baca quran, itu dah memadai. Sebab dah bertahun terbabas untuk khatam on time dalam Ramadhan. Jadi kalini aku buang semua hajat dan impian tu supaya aku tak rasa gagal. Biar satu, jangan tiggal semua. 

Kita cuba. 

Ramadhan Kareem peeps. Moga Allah berikan kita taufik dan hidayah untuk beribadah

Nenek

 Assalamualaikum wbt

"Bagai patah tak tumbuh lagi.
Bagai hilang tidak berganti.
Bagai terbawa separuh diri.
Bersama pergimu yang tak kembali"

Tulisan kali ini, terasa sukar dan berat sekali untuk aku nukilkan.

Of course, yang akan paling dirindui raya ini ialah arwah nenek. Senyumnya. Gelaknya. Usikannya. Latahnya.

On the day of engagement tahun lepas, waktu semua tetamu dah mula santai2, I approached nenek, sembang & duduk di sebelahnya. Ada one moment nenek pegang tangan aku, sambil kata "Nenek doakan urusannya dipermudah, takut tahun depan nenek tak sempat tengok". And I stopped her from continuing her words. But yes, nenek pergi dulu.

Hari beliau pergi, selepas cium jenazah nenek kali terakhir, Mak Ngah gosok2 belakang aku sambil kata " Tak sempat nenek nak tengok nini naik pelamin". Waktu tu, berderai jatuh air mata. Waktu balik, Makngah sebut lagi sekali buat aku sebak kembali.

Hari nikah, segala sebak dan 'nervous' hilang gara-gara tok imam bagi khutbah yang terlalu panjang. Tak keruan semua dibuatnya menanti khutbah untuk berakhir. Dan usai nikah, tatkala bersalaman dengan Makngah, sebak datang kembali, air mata tumpah jua kerana Makngah sebut "Nenek tak ada harini nak tengok nini nikah". It was just 4 months since Nenek passed away at that time, kehilangannya masih terasa. Sehingga kini pun.

Tulisan di atas ni, aku dah draft daripada tahun 2018 lagi. Sebelum aku kahwin, tapi tak pernah dihabiskan. Sampai sekarang pun sebenarnya, I couldn't put my words properly for this loss. Hanya susunan ringkas, tak pernah mampu nak bercerita panjang tetapi dalam ingatan, segala memori terus bermain; dalam hati, rasa rindu tetap menjengah; kalau dimulakan perihal tentang nenek, macam-macam ingin dicerita.

Baru-baru ini kami berkumpul ahli keluarga - anak, cucu, cicit, bergotong royong kemaskan rumah arwah nenek kerana tuan tanah telah menuntut kembali hak mereka. Macam-macam kenangan yang mula kembali di ingatan. Ruang dapur, ruang tamu, halaman luar, even bahagian belakang rumah nenek pun ada cerita dan kenangannya. Generally, we were all raised here. Ia dekat di hati kami. 

Apa pun, hidup kena diteruskan. Yang pergi takkan kembali, hanya kenangan tersemat di hati. 

Al Fatihah buat arwah nenek, Alpiah bt Hussain.

 

Sekurang-kurangnya

Sekurang-kurangnya

Sekurang-kurangnya aku sudah usaha.
Sudah cuba. Sudah sedaya upaya sehabisnya.

Sekurang-kurangnya.

Aku kurang gemar perkataan ini.

Seperti melepaskan diri dari sebuah tanggungjawab dan jaminan

Tapi itulah hakikatnya
Perkataan ini

Memang di kebanyakan waktu yang kita rasa sudah memberikan sedaya mampu,
Itulah yang diungkapkan.
Bukan untuk melolos diri daripada apa yang bakal berlaku kemudiannya.
Kerana ternyata jika ianya berlaku jauh dari apa yang kita mahu,
Kita pasti akan tidak senang, tidak suka, malah kadang ke tahap benci dan kecewa.
Lalu keluarlah ungkapan ini.

Sekurang-kurangnya.

Untuk pujuk diri,
Bahawasanya kita memang sudah beri yang termampu,
Dan yang berlaku selepas tu hanyalah dalam aturan Allah swt.

Penafian

Melihat ummi yang sedang sakit
Paati berat sekali
Untuk aku bertanya keadaannya
Bukanlah tanda aku tak endah
Bukanlah tanda aku tak kisah
Tetapi cuma
Yang di mata
Sudah terlalu berat untuk memandang
Mendengarnya pula
Aduh
Lebih memedihkan
Tidak sanggup ku dengar keluhan
Kerana itu semua hanya menikam jiwa

Perit menerima hakikat
Ummi sudah semakin berusia
Sedang tanda-tandanya kian jelas

Hanya setelah sekian lama
Barulah aku sedar
Aku sedang berada di dalam penafian
Penafian terbesar sekali
Dan paling mematahkan hati

Tuhan
Beri aku segenggam kekuatan
Kekuatan menerima takdirMu

Sungguh, Kau takkan uji hambaMu melebihi apa yang dia mampu

It Will Be Okay

I wish I could go back to the past

To the moment where I sat beside my mom in the mosque
While waiting for Tarawih
With fallen tears and broken heart

To pat her back and say,

Have faith,
Be strong,
Something good and worth the pain
Is just ahead of you.

Fight

I'm the kind that always fight
For what i know i deserve to
Maybe this time
I'm in the wrong battle field.

Undying Hope

Throughout my life,
I am lacking of example
Of a good man to look up to
From the nearest one I can reach.

Years by years,
Cheated,
And as more truth reveals,
What I earn is just disappointments.

Heartbroken.

It had come to a point where
I felt that I was totally alone
Dying to let out what has been kept long
Inside my heart and mind

Then one day came along
A knight who returned from a war
To entertain my hidden side
Of silliness, laughters,
And emotional rants

Where there I put hopes
For a promising happiness
For a better future
For a better me

But it trembles, too

And I begin to question myself
Was I too bad for everything?

Then I came to realise,
That hope
Is not supposed to be put on anyone.
It supposed to be put on myself
On what i want to achieve
On what i desired to be.
Work on it,
Build it
Complete it.

Hoping on others but you,
Is just the start of continuous disappointments.

Setting Your Intention Right

Assalamualaikum wbt

Everyday I wake up, I set an intention to be a better Muslim, a better daughter, a better sister, a better employee. To treat everyone better. To love everyone more.

Everyday, I try to observe closely all the things around me and learn some values from it.

Everyday, I try to set my intention right, to give and gain the best from everyone.

But many times, I failed, and people around me only see the failure part because that is the 'product'. People don't usually see the process. They just want to see the end result. Hence, they see me as a negative person, short-tempered, impatient, easily give up, unfriendly and many more. They don't see what I've done to be a better version of myself. They don't see the tears that fall for having to bear with all the hardships along the journey.

Like a lady who worked hard to bake a cake, but it turned out to be a disaster, and people would just point to her and said, " Your cake is a disaster". 

That's just the right way to reflect the situation that I'm in right now.

Other people don't see the struggle and the pure intention that I have made. That's why it all must start with and come back to Allah, The Most Merciful. The Most Gracious. The Most Understanding. He knows all, and He will grant us all with His blessings, with the goodness that He has promised. It is enough to know that Allah witnesses all of it and I believe, surely He will reward us all for the effort that we have made. Insya Allah.

The 'Me' Time

Assalamualaikum wbt

I love this. Alone. In a coffee shop. With a mug of hazelnut latte --- favorite companion for coffee time. Observing. Thinking. Jotting down some thoughts. That's just how I love my 'me' time.

But I know, as much as I love this 'me' time, I am absolutely do not belong to this kind of treat. I hate to say this, but I am definitely belong to the hectic life. Being busy. Being loaded with lots of chores and tasks to do. Having datelines to be followed. I have the tendency to be a workaholic but I refuse to think about it that way because the word sounds negative (to me), so perhaps I could just replace it with the word 'committed'. Yeah, that's better.

Amidst the chaotic life, I love the moment when I can finally sneak some time out for myself. That way, I learn to value my 'me' time even more. It doesn't need luxurious stuff to fill the treat and make me feel good. Sometimes a book and a cup of coffee, and some free time to write is enough to retreat myself.

Everybody has their own way of retreating themselves with 'me time'. It doesn't necessarily need to be on your own. Some people might love to have their best friend accompanying and do what they love to do together. Some people might use it to make self reflection, go to religious classes or talk, do volunteering work, and many more.

Whatever it is, how a person spend the 'me' time does not really matter as long as it does not go against what is prohibited. What matter most is that from each 'me' session, there is a sense of satisfaction to fulfill one's desire of escaping themselves from the daily routine or any problems. We need this. We all need this. With the hope that, every 'me' time can provide us all with a much relieved heart and mind, and of course, a booster to start the routine or to face any problem all over again.