The Pioneer is Graduating Soon!

Assalamualaikum wbt

I'm so scared to put the title as above, because, you know, anything could happen before all of us graduates officially, but I pray really hard, hopefully God will ease us all and let everything run smoothly until convocation day!

So yes, as the title goes, I need not have to say much, we are walking towards it insya Allah.

Walking, because the official result and graduating status will only out in July or mid August. So, we are not running that's for sure. Lol.

Pheww. 4 years together!

Throughout the 4 years, we've seen the best part and the worst too, from everyone. And I mean it. EVERYONE. There's only 31 of us after Emy left, and it's so easy to get attached with each other and create a good bond. A close one of course. We've also created quite a good bond with the lecturers because our department is small too among the lecturers! Hehe.

I do not know how to put everything in my mind into words properly. Seriously, it's so hard. I can only shed tears when I recall the memories one by one. Probably because I have just too may things to be said that all of them could only make me remain speechless. Before I decided to post this, I've so many ideas on what I want to talk about and what I want to say, but once I placed my fingers on the keyboard, everything in my mind just vanished.

I've made a video for the class. Weeks before that, I have tons of ideas in my head on what to be given, and what the outcome of the video will turn out. I've even drafted all of them in paper. In my vision, it's going to be so detail, so memorable, so touching and superbbbb, but yeah, we can only plan. I realised that I don't really have much time to do all of those things that I've planned. I've even decided to postpone the making of the video, but because I really wanted to leave them with something to be remembered, hence, the video.

Tadaaaa. Seadanya sahaja, but Alhamdulillahhhhh!

Oh dear, I am definitely going to miss you guys so much! Langkawi, Melaka, those tours and field trips we went, kitchen and events, assignments, laughs, tears, stress, pressure and many moreeeee! Gaahhhhhh. I wanted to list everything but that's just impossible.

4 years, what a long journey. Never thought that we could make it till the end, but Alhamdulillah, we made it! We are graduating soon guysssss!

Thank you everyone, thank you lecturers, thank you coursemates, until we meet again.

Amiinnn insya Allah.

Mixed Feeling

Assalamualaikum wbt

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. All praise to Allah swt. The last paper has finally ended and I've got my thesis hardbound!

These few weeks have been quite an upside down, emotionally. I may be smiling and laughing, but deep down inside my heart, there's a mixed feelings. I'm all excited to finish my study, but at the same time, I'm sad, scared. It's hard to believe that it's ending. It feels so surreal! Somebody must pinch me hard and tell me that this is all happening.

And, it is.

The news feed has been filled with posts on graduating, finishing their last paper, submitting their hardbound thesis, and others related. I wanted to update too to express my feeling of accomplishment, gratitude, and such, but I have too many things to be said. If I can, I really want to go to each and everyone who have been there with me, just for me to say thank you.

I know the ultimate source of strength is from Allah swt. I know I wouldn't be able to be where I am right now without His guidance and His blessings. But, those people that have been with me are also a great source of strength and support sent by Allah swt.

Masya Allah, I have just too much to be said but I just couldn't express it all. For all the prayers, thoughtful words, supports, advice, laughs and tears, I can only pray that Allah swt will grant each and everyone of you with His love, His mercy, and His blessings.

Perempuan & Emosi

Assalamualaikum wbt

Emosi
Kelemahan aku
Maka adakalanya aku lebih gemar berdiam

Tapi banyak masa aku gagal
Sebab emosi lebih besar daripada sabar
Dan aku masih
Gagal untuk kawal

Dan itu antara kegagalan terbesar aku
Penyesalan tak berkesudahan
Tetapi masih tetap berulang

Sedih

MindRant 23

Assalamualaikum wbt

Coffee Syndrome

Assalamualaikum wbt

Scene 1:
Tengok kat rak nak ambil kopi
Baru perasan kopi dah habis
Lupa nak beli!

Restless

Whatsapp group Oojengster

Aku: "Sape ada kopi kat bilik? Nak satu boleh tak. Tak ingat nak beli tadi T.T"
Tikah: "Milo je ada" (worries)
Pipah: "Kesian nini. Sory pah takda kopi" (adui takde sorang pun ke ada)
Roi: "Anis ada. Old town." (Yeay!)
Aku: "Anis adaaaaa. Anisssss"
Roi: "Nini ko ni dah ketagih ni"

*nangissssss*


Scene 2:
On the way balik kolej.

Ummi: "Tadi kurma ke kerepek-kerepek yang Abi suruh bawak ada ambil tak?"
Aku: "Tak. Lupa nak ambil tadi."
Ummi: "Kopinya bawak tak?"
Aku: "Bawak. hehehe"
Ummi: -_________________-


I know when they see coffee, they will remember me. Muehehe

The Loss

Assalamualaikum wbt

You know recently we lost Opah after a 14 years battle with stroke. Last year, Atok Mujer passed away. He is a familiar figure in Nenek's house whenever we went to Meru because he would always stopped by to have a meal or to just rest. So to not having him around when we came back to Meru was a little awkward at first. One by one has gone from our sight, forever. I have not yet felt any loss among close relatives until Atok Mujer and Opah, and both, hurt. I can't imagine if the time comes for any other more to go, but when it happens, it's on Qadr of Allah, and we have to be patience. Redha.

Yes, the word 'redha' was uttered a lot when Opah passed away. People who came to pay their last respect mentioned the word so many times, especially when they were consoling Atok. Redha means to accept things wholeheartedly. People's loss is a kind of escape for them from worldly trials, and it then becomes a trial for us who are still alive ------ to bear with the pain of losing the beloved ones.

Those loss, brought to emptiness.

Since Atok Mujer passed away, Nenek has moved to Mak Ngah's house because there is no more point of living there, alone. Same goes to Atok now after the loss of Opah. Both house, empty. Opah's bed, empty.

I guess that's what Allah wanted to convey through the loss. The fact that the world is so temporary. That no matter how much we love someone, either one of us will be gone and nothing stays in this world. Everything will be empty in the end. We all die in the end. Nothing lasts. Nothing stays.

Opah

Assalamualaikum wbt

10.06.16. Jumaat. 5 Ramadhan.

Opah, akhirnya pergi meninggalkan semua yang tercinta. Hilanglah segala perit menanggung sakitnya bertahun-tahun. Hilanglah peritnya menanggung sebak tidak dapat berkata-kata dengan suami, anak dan cucunya. Hilanglah segala derita, duka dan lara pada hari dan bulan yang mulia, yang aku percaya suatu nikmat Allah berikan, berkat sabarnya selama ini.

The pains, has finally stopped.

Suasana sayu bila sampai rumah Atok. Selalunya bila langkah sahaja pintu masuk, akan nampak Opah baring atas katil di ruang tamu, menghadap tv, matanya merenung sekeliling, tidak mampu berbuat apa-apa kerana lumpuh, hanya mampu memerhati setiap gerak geri. Hari itu, tatkala melangkah masuk, Opah masih lagi di atas katil yang sama, tetapi tiada lagi bernyawa, hanya kain yang menyelubungi tubuhnya.

Di luar, Achu dan Ummi berpelukan sebaik sampai, melepaskan air mata yang ditahan. Di dalam, senyum tawar sahaja mampu Cikli berikan waktu bersalaman. Maya mengusap belakang Abi, tanda pujukan untuk bersabar. While Atok kept saying "Opah dah takde". Bibik pun sama. Siapakah yang mampu menanggung sebak dan pedih kehilangan isteri dan ibu tercinta?

Buka puasa. Segalanya terasa hambar. Tiada selera. Kurang perisa. Aku tahu, setiap daripada kami sedang menahan air mata daripada melimpah di hadapan rezeki. But Atok could no longer handle it. He cried, while eating. And that disturbed my emotion the most. Everyone remain silent, while understanding each other's feelings at that moment.

Sepanjang itu, memori lama menjengah satu per satu di dalam fikiran. Terkenang waktu Opah masih sihat dan kuat, Opah pernah mandikan aku dan adik ketika kami masih kecil dan Opah adalah yang paling rajin buat kek dan kuih muih. Kalau ada kelapangan, Opah akan berada di depan tv dan salin resepi yang ada dalam rancangan memasak. Aku teringat opah buatkan biskut mazola guna penutup botol sebagai acuan. Aku masih ingat juga sewaktu opah separa lumpuh, bila setiap kali datang jenguk Opah, Opah akan kata "Nini lawa. Muka nini macam ita (achu)". She always said that I resembled Achu, in a glance.

But, those were the days.

Alhamdulillah, aku berpeluang untuk turut serta dalam pengurusan jenazahnya bermula Opah dimandikan sampai dikuburkan. Hanya waktu solat jenazah sahaja yag aku tak berkesempatan. I witnessed all for the first time. Pada hari jenazah dikebumikan, semua mulai tenang, sehinggalah tiba masa jenazah Opah diturunkan dari van jenazah, dibuka semula kain kafan yang menutupi wajahnya untuk tatapan terakhir ahli keluarga dan yang hadir ketika itu. Waktu itu... waktu itu emosi kembali tidak terkawal. Sedih dan sebak. Bercucuranlah air mata semua. Menyedari hakikat bahawa inilah dia, ciuman terakhir, tatapan terakhir, sebelum disemadikan dan ditinggalkan, selama-lamanya.

"Selamat tinggal dunia, sesungguhnya daripada Allah kita datang, kepada Allah jualah kita kembali"

Kematian mengingatkan kita bahawa kita ini milik mutlak Allah swt dan dunia ini sementara cuma. Suatu hari, kita pula akan menyusul.

This Ramadhan, we lost a strong, compassionate and loving woman. Moga Allah ampunkan segala dosa Opah dan kurniakan belas kasihNya pada Opah. Berdamailah Opah. Moga rohmu dicucuri rahmat. You will be missed dearly. 

Al Fatihah

Hajjah Siti Hafsah bt Mohd Amin

1940-2016

A Reminder

Assalamualaikum wbt

You know there are times when we felt that there are too much things to be done, and we started to question ourselves, "why am I doing all of these?". Worst, when we started to came across a feeling of "I don't even get anything from this".

That happened.

And I got this from a dear friend of mine.

Only we know what we had done. Do not expect anything from human. Allah knows all our mujahadah and struggles. Allah knows. 

Yes dear. Allah knows. And He knows all.
A very kind reminder. A very soothing one too.
Sometimes we focused on too much things just to satisfy other people, and to satisfy ourselves, that we forgot the main reason of doing it, and all of it, is solely to gain Allah's blessings. If we could remain the heart to be sincere all the time, we wouldn't be questioning such questions as mentioned above, and we wouldn't be bothered if our works are not appreciated. Because we know, in the end, all that matter is Allah. And that is enough.

May we all be protected from this bad feeling. May we all be granted with sincerity in doing any good things. Insya Allah.

MindRant 22

Assalamualaikum wbt

You apologise for the things that you have not done wrong.
for the things that you don't even do.
While others keep preaching about the greatest contribution that they have made,
without realising the fact that they are the one who have done wrong.
This world is pathetic.

FYP

Assalamualaikum wbt

Sebenarnya aku dah tulis dalam diari yang aku tak akan catakan apa-apa progress FYP dalam buku, dalam blog dan di mana-mana sahaja. Memang kalau habis sahaja urusan FYP ini, mahu aku campakkan jauh-jauh segala yang berkaitan, tak mahu lagi dikenang.

Tapi terpanggil harini nak menulis sesuatu. Bukanlah progress, hanya cetusan di minda.

Masuk minggu ini, bermakna aku hanya ada dalam 2 minggu sahaja lagi untuk selesaikan semuanya dan persembahkan karya agung ini kepada para pensyarah yang akan menjadi panel hakim seminar nanti.

The thing about FYP aku ialah, aku mengalami masalah tak cukup responden. Kenapa? Sebab responden aku perlu terdiri daripada pengusaha-pengusaha IKS (Industri Kecil Sederhana), yang mana.... amatlah susah untuk dapatkan kerjasama dan contact info yang tepat daripada mereka. Dan... aku totally faham.

"We are in a social science industry, kalau dapat respon rate 3% pun dah cukup bagus dah", kata salah seorang pensyarah.

Kalaulah thesis ini tak perlu dipersembah dan dijelaskan di hadapan orang lain, mahu sahaja aku stick dengan 3% tu. Mudah. Tapi, serupa tak payah buat thesis lah kalau gitu rupanya. Sekarang dah di saat-saat akhir ini, aku hanya fikir nak habiskan secepat mungkin. Tetapi adakala datang juga fikiran-fikiran yang membuat aku menyesal untuk jalankan kajian tentang topik ni. Seperti merendamkan diri sendiri dalam air sungai yang dalam dan deras. Ya, sangat terasa seperti aku menyusahkan diri sendiri.

Itulah dia. Konon-kononnya tak nak ambil jalan mudah sangat, nanti tak mencabar. Tengok sekarang sendiri merana.

Pokok pangkal yang aku nak highlightkan di sini adalah, kita lebih tahu mengenai diri kita, maka ukurlah baju di badan sendiri. Kita tahu sejauh mana kemampuan kita, dan jika kita tidak mahu tatkala kita ada pilihan lain, maka tolaklah.

Apa-apa pun semuanya bergantung kepada individu. Tetapi aku percaya, pada apa sahaja keputusan yang akhirnya telah dibuat, dalam keadaan sengaja atau tidak, rela atau tidak, aku tahu, Allah jua yang izinkan untuk ia berlaku sebegitu rupa. Maka, berdoalah. Moga sentiasa diberi kekuatan untuk menempuhnya.

Fuh, sikit lagi nih!