Ramadhan Rant #5

 Assalamualaikum wbt

Ramadhan has been a bit overwhelming for me, personally. To be honest, I am easily distracted with my worldly responsibilities, succumbed into them, that I am losing myself in this spiritual journey. 

On the other hand, I know, it shouldn't be a journey. It should be part of my life and utmost priority, because the ultimate goal of life is Jannah. But I feel lost. I feel down most of the times because my exhaustion beats all the desires of my spiritual plans. It is an everyday struggle from the day I left usrah years ago, and I'm still struggling to pick it up day by day, but I have my own personal reason of doing so. Part of the reason was more to feeling unattended and just come by for usrah's attendance sake. Not like "tawar hati", but more like giving up on myself. 

But I know Allah's mercy is beyond everything. As long as you want it, you chase for it, you hasten yourself for it, even on the days you breakdown and fail, but you manage to bounce back and search for it, Allah's mercy is there, always. 

I know, whatever that we do that exhaust us is also a part of the ibadah, counted as pahala, but.... I want to be more specific in ibadah. To be able to qiyam, to be able to maintain my Quran reading, to be able to commit to zikr, religious podcasts, to be able to be kind hearted regardless the situation. Things like these. Orang kata, kalau tak boleh buat semua, jangan tinggal semua. Because of this phrase, I keep myself positive. I stick to my Quran reading. On the days that I feel down, this is the only one that I can ever do it without hesitant. Always yearn to do it. 

So this is the tips for you. For you yang masih bertatih and still searching. 

Get one spiritual habit that you can stick with without hesitant without stress without exhaustion. 

And do it with the hope that Allah accepts it for your pure intention, and that the barakah from it, Allah will grant His mercy, grant more blessings, grant us the tawfiq & hidayah that we always look for to make ourselves better each day. 

Ramadhan Rant #4

 Assalamualaikum wbt 

It's 1.55 am in the morning, and yes, you guessed it, I can't sleep.

It's been more than a week of cough and flu for me & Na'ilah. Some tough days to sleep because the cough gets worsen at night, most probably because of the cold temp. We rely on Hurix and Habbatussauda je for now, cause that works best on us since forever. Hopefully this flu & cough will subside soon, it creates utter discomforts most of the time, especially at night. Na'ilah also has not been to school for 4 days now. Since Covid, preschools are taking serious precaution. So basically, Na'ilah unable to attend school because her school teacher advised so. 

Anyway, what's in my mind? 

It has been 1 year plus since I became SAHM (Stay At Home Mom). Well, basically I'm BAHM (Baking At Home Mom). I bake for a living😂 I hate to go back to why I was desperately wanted to be in the current position, but it started to be seen as reasonable that whenever I wanted to go back working, it just doesn't make sense anymore, the situation no longer fits in my life. I mean, priority has shifted tremendously ever since I stay at home --- Kids, on whom to take care, whom to feed, which daycare to send, on top of that, more money for daycare; then in laws, at least there's somebody at home to rely on should there be any emergency, or just getting any help for anything, oh and... cook!; then house chores, to manage it all anytime I want, ample time to do so; then the flexibility of time; I get to rest whenever I want. Alhamdulillah. The only cons is the financial part which my husband has always reminded me that... it's never the main issue and it will be sorted out anyway, just kena usaha. I honestly penat baking HAHAHAHA although I enjoy doing it. Just the idea of making sales is exhausting. I pray, my husband dimurahkan rezeki sebanyaknya in near future, so that I will no longer worry about making salesssssss. Hehe. 

Actually, there were lots of different opinions on me no longer working the typical 9-5 job. 

Some supported me, staying positive, saying it's good for the kids, it's good to have wife at home because that is where she belongs to (positively), it's good that only the men go and cari rezeki. But some also secretly questioning my decision. Why are you not working? Then, income, how? What's wrong with the company that you left? Why you susahkan diri? Nanti susah tak ada backup saving. Nanti orang pandang serong, lepas kahwin je jadi housewife. 

I'm still adapting with the responses when I say I no longer work in office but I bake, but I'm able to summarise that whatever it is, it all came back to my own purpose. WHY I RESIGN. 

Kids? Yes. 

Stress? Double yes. 

It's gonna be a long story here but in short, my ability to cope with stress decreased after having a baby (disclaimer: not putting any blame here). I get irritated and triggered easily for even the smallest thing. I became very sensitive. I became very anxious and overthinking, worse than before. So yes, for the sake of my mental health too, I resigned. And then, just nak dijadikan cerita, my in laws went for umrah, went through cardiac surgery, I delivered 2nd baby, Na'ilah started to go to school, it all just fits in nicely shortly after. As if this is the hikmah of me staying at home. 

Struggle? Yes. 

But I gonna struggle anyway regardles I'm working or not, just in different forms. So I choose my battles with the most benefits. And for now, this is it. Cuma bila orang tanya, I never say this is the final decision. My husband also aware that he is all good should I want or need to come back to work. But just for now, this is it. 

I'm still in pieces of puzzle. Sometimes I take for granted on the flexibility of time that I have. But I have plans and hopes, and I believe one day, I'm gonna benefits this flexibility the most. I know most moms sebenarnya wanted to be in this position, but, we weigh the pros and cons and we choose our battles. Choose based on your priority, and besides your family, your priority should always be YOURSELF :)

Ramadhan Rant #3

 Assalamualaikum wbt

3rd day of Ramadhan already, and that's just how fast time flies.

Hujung minggu ni kami masih di Puncak Alam. Harini juga saudara mara suami (belah Ibu) datang untuk buka puasa bersama. Juadah yang telah dipersetujui: Kari ayam, ayam goreng berempah, sayur campur dan karipap. Dan bersetuju juga yang aku sediakan prep ayam goreng, ibu mertua akan gorengkan. 

Tapi seperti biasa, ini semua "scam". HAHAHAHAHAHA

Siang selepas balik daripada beli barangan masak, sewaktu semua tengah sibuk sediakan bahan-bahan memasak, "kari ummi & opah masak kan?", *diam*.....aku tanya lagi "Ummi, kari tu ummi & opah masak kan?", kemudian Ummi mertua ku jawab "Kita masak sesamalerrr". Aikkk, ini sudah lari daripada peracangan dan aku bingkas menjawab "Ini bukan dealnya ni!" (sambil ketawa). 

Acually, aku memang berkira bahagian2 kerja di rumah ni, sebab memasak akan mengambil sepenuh kudrat aku, while at the same time, I have 2 kids to ensure they are entertained, given food, bathed, menyusu time puasa some more. Tapi bila dah dikata begitu, redha jelah. Akhirnya, by 2pm, Opah suami yang dah siapkan kari untuk dimasak. 

2.30pm, aku dah mula di dapur untuk masak. So aku masak ayam goreng berempah, gorengkan karipap alang2 sekali nak menggoreng tu, dan masak sekali menu aku tambah sendiri pagi tu - terung tempe berlado. All in big quantity 20 org makan, my Ummi must be super proud of how I am now 😂 

6.30pm, semua yang tanda hadir tiba di rumah. Full house alhamdulillah. Keluarga belah suami (both sides) memang adik beradik ramai, jadi bayangkan sepupu sepapat, ipar duai, juga anak masing2 yang dah berkeluarga, riuh dibuatnya. It's something I've adapted since the beginning of marriage. A total opposite, sebab keluarga belah aku on both sides, itulah saje makcik pakcik aku, itulah sahaja yang aku ada. Abi 4 beradik, Ummi pun 4 beradik (1 meninggal). Kalau berkumpul, siapa tak ada tu kita tahulah. Hahahahaha

Alhamdulillah, semua enjoy masakan. Ramai juga yang membawa juadah lain sebagai tambahan. Na'ilah enjoys her ayam goreng berempah :)

Waktu suap Na'ilah makan, she looked at the plate:

"Waaaa, ni ayam goreng rempah ke?"

"Iyeeee"

"Uwaaa terima kasih mami masakkan ayam rempah untuk Na'ilah"

Awwww, melts my heart right away. Glad that my mom in law suggested that as one of the menu. 

  

Ramadhan Rant #2

 Assalamualaikum

It's the 3rd day of school for Na'ilah. How is she doing? Not really well waktu hantar :( Meronta dan menangis dia taknak pergi sekolah, nak mami. Kadang runtun hati ni tengok, kesian dia umur 4 tahun dah kena bear with this test. But we decided to enroll her for school because:

1. She is already excited for school

2. I'm unable to cater to her homeschooling needs. She is such a talkative and intelligent girl. So it's such a waste to let her be at home with just watching TV & play toys. 

So because she has shown her readiness, we enrolled her. Ternyata..... we didn't expect her reaction, and so does she😅 

Hari pertama hantar sekolah, all good. Bye2 je dekat pagar tak ada menangis. But something happened on the day. Air yogurt yang dia bawa tu tumpah dan dia minta cikgu call Mami, tapi cikgu kata tak perlu. So I think this is the part that triggered to her to realise that now Mami is no longer gonna be there anytime whenever something happened. 

Dan hari-hari seterusnya, dia tak semangat dah nak pergi sekolah sebab "Nak Mami". Haiyaaa, runtun hati bila hantar dia ke sekolah asyik menangis menjerit meronta "Nak mami". At times I feel like I am torturing her for letting her go through this struggle at such young age (4 years old), but I know this is the right time and best for her insya Allah. 

Mami pun kena kuat sama hati macam Na'ilah. I literally cried dalam kereta setiap kali lepas hantar cause I can feel and understand her pain. I share the same feelings sejak dari kecil, setiap kali berada di tempat baru. It's the feeling of loneliness that she has there. 

You will get through it Na'ilah, I am very sure. Mami doakan Na'ilah sentiasa cekal hati dan kuat jati diri. It's gonna be tough at early phase. We'll give some time for each other to adapt this. Semoga Na'ilah cepat dapat sesuaikan diri, make many friends, absorb as much as you can apa yang dipelajari :) 

Ramadhan Rant #1

 Assalamualaikum wbt 

Hari pertama Ramadhan, aku cuba melaluinya kalini walaupun masih sepenuhnya menyusu badan. Alhamdulillah, dapat menjalaninya dengan baik. Gathered around few advices. Some suggested milo, horlicks, some said fibre food, tapi yang paling common punya tips is to eat protein. So yes, added that to my sahur. Ada juga tips minum air nabeez for energy especially for ibu menyusu. Insya Allah kita cuba nanti bila teringat. 

Dah 2 tahun puasa tidak sempurna yang aku lepaskan begitu sahaja. Tahun lepas, the whole month tak puasa sebab keadaan hamil yang rendah hb, sampai kena warded for cosmofer drip. Jadi, dah banyak sangat hutang puasa, hutang fidyah ni belum terlaksana. Itulah sebab kuat untuk puasa juga kalini walaupun menyusu badan dan walaupun ada keringanan bagi ibu menyusu. 

Alhamdulillah okay semua. Susu Hanzholah pun cukup insya Allah. 

So moms, add in protein to your sahur and a favorite hot drinks of your own :)

Ramadhan kalini santai. Aku taknak push diri sangat. I am sticking to Quran. Selagi aku dapat istqamah everyday baca quran, itu dah memadai. Sebab dah bertahun terbabas untuk khatam on time dalam Ramadhan. Jadi kalini aku buang semua hajat dan impian tu supaya aku tak rasa gagal. Biar satu, jangan tiggal semua. 

Kita cuba. 

Ramadhan Kareem peeps. Moga Allah berikan kita taufik dan hidayah untuk beribadah