Ramadhan Rant #5

 Assalamualaikum wbt

Ramadhan has been a bit overwhelming for me, personally. To be honest, I am easily distracted with my worldly responsibilities, succumbed into them, that I am losing myself in this spiritual journey. 

On the other hand, I know, it shouldn't be a journey. It should be part of my life and utmost priority, because the ultimate goal of life is Jannah. But I feel lost. I feel down most of the times because my exhaustion beats all the desires of my spiritual plans. It is an everyday struggle from the day I left usrah years ago, and I'm still struggling to pick it up day by day, but I have my own personal reason of doing so. Part of the reason was more to feeling unattended and just come by for usrah's attendance sake. Not like "tawar hati", but more like giving up on myself. 

But I know Allah's mercy is beyond everything. As long as you want it, you chase for it, you hasten yourself for it, even on the days you breakdown and fail, but you manage to bounce back and search for it, Allah's mercy is there, always. 

I know, whatever that we do that exhaust us is also a part of the ibadah, counted as pahala, but.... I want to be more specific in ibadah. To be able to qiyam, to be able to maintain my Quran reading, to be able to commit to zikr, religious podcasts, to be able to be kind hearted regardless the situation. Things like these. Orang kata, kalau tak boleh buat semua, jangan tinggal semua. Because of this phrase, I keep myself positive. I stick to my Quran reading. On the days that I feel down, this is the only one that I can ever do it without hesitant. Always yearn to do it. 

So this is the tips for you. For you yang masih bertatih and still searching. 

Get one spiritual habit that you can stick with without hesitant without stress without exhaustion. 

And do it with the hope that Allah accepts it for your pure intention, and that the barakah from it, Allah will grant His mercy, grant more blessings, grant us the tawfiq & hidayah that we always look for to make ourselves better each day. 

Ramadhan Rant #4

 Assalamualaikum wbt 

It's 1.55 am in the morning, and yes, you guessed it, I can't sleep.

It's been more than a week of cough and flu for me & Na'ilah. Some tough days to sleep because the cough gets worsen at night, most probably because of the cold temp. We rely on Hurix and Habbatussauda je for now, cause that works best on us since forever. Hopefully this flu & cough will subside soon, it creates utter discomforts most of the time, especially at night. Na'ilah also has not been to school for 4 days now. Since Covid, preschools are taking serious precaution. So basically, Na'ilah unable to attend school because her school teacher advised so. 

Anyway, what's in my mind? 

It has been 1 year plus since I became SAHM (Stay At Home Mom). Well, basically I'm BAHM (Baking At Home Mom). I bake for a living😂 I hate to go back to why I was desperately wanted to be in the current position, but it started to be seen as reasonable that whenever I wanted to go back working, it just doesn't make sense anymore, the situation no longer fits in my life. I mean, priority has shifted tremendously ever since I stay at home --- Kids, on whom to take care, whom to feed, which daycare to send, on top of that, more money for daycare; then in laws, at least there's somebody at home to rely on should there be any emergency, or just getting any help for anything, oh and... cook!; then house chores, to manage it all anytime I want, ample time to do so; then the flexibility of time; I get to rest whenever I want. Alhamdulillah. The only cons is the financial part which my husband has always reminded me that... it's never the main issue and it will be sorted out anyway, just kena usaha. I honestly penat baking HAHAHAHA although I enjoy doing it. Just the idea of making sales is exhausting. I pray, my husband dimurahkan rezeki sebanyaknya in near future, so that I will no longer worry about making salesssssss. Hehe. 

Actually, there were lots of different opinions on me no longer working the typical 9-5 job. 

Some supported me, staying positive, saying it's good for the kids, it's good to have wife at home because that is where she belongs to (positively), it's good that only the men go and cari rezeki. But some also secretly questioning my decision. Why are you not working? Then, income, how? What's wrong with the company that you left? Why you susahkan diri? Nanti susah tak ada backup saving. Nanti orang pandang serong, lepas kahwin je jadi housewife. 

I'm still adapting with the responses when I say I no longer work in office but I bake, but I'm able to summarise that whatever it is, it all came back to my own purpose. WHY I RESIGN. 

Kids? Yes. 

Stress? Double yes. 

It's gonna be a long story here but in short, my ability to cope with stress decreased after having a baby (disclaimer: not putting any blame here). I get irritated and triggered easily for even the smallest thing. I became very sensitive. I became very anxious and overthinking, worse than before. So yes, for the sake of my mental health too, I resigned. And then, just nak dijadikan cerita, my in laws went for umrah, went through cardiac surgery, I delivered 2nd baby, Na'ilah started to go to school, it all just fits in nicely shortly after. As if this is the hikmah of me staying at home. 

Struggle? Yes. 

But I gonna struggle anyway regardles I'm working or not, just in different forms. So I choose my battles with the most benefits. And for now, this is it. Cuma bila orang tanya, I never say this is the final decision. My husband also aware that he is all good should I want or need to come back to work. But just for now, this is it. 

I'm still in pieces of puzzle. Sometimes I take for granted on the flexibility of time that I have. But I have plans and hopes, and I believe one day, I'm gonna benefits this flexibility the most. I know most moms sebenarnya wanted to be in this position, but, we weigh the pros and cons and we choose our battles. Choose based on your priority, and besides your family, your priority should always be YOURSELF :)